Head is a mess! - Talk About Marriage

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 11:26 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: The wild, wild west. ;) Posts: 28	IC = individual counseling. Sorry Poppy, I've been here less than a month and I'm already using the short hand found here. There is a link Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this The list has "most" of the abbreviations. You'll need to scroll down a bit to find the list. It is a very long, but very informative, thread. It is found in the very first post. You are looking for some kind of closure, maybe? Might be asking yourself, "Why?" a lot. "Why is he not helping me?" or "Why doesn't he care?" maybe even "Why doesn't he get it?" I don't think hubby is able or willing to give you those answers. He may not know himself since he may not have done any work to figure them out. You need to work on this with a counselor to sort out the mess in your head. IMHO I know I have had to do the work myself. And ya know, that's okay. I'm worth the time and work it takes. And ya know what else? So are you hun. Hang in there Poppy. Last edited by LastDance; Yesterday at 11:33 PM. Reason: Spell check Part deuce : It's there for a reason. lol
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Today, 12:23 AM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 243	Poppy, I'm sad to hear that you're stuck on how he let you down so badly that you're daughter is going to be raised in a loveless marriage. At least, that's how it sounds to me. You guys *can* get over it, but it might mean that you have to learn how to get what you want and need from him. Obviously, asking for it doesn't work. Instead of asking, try making a simple statement: "This Saturday, I'm going to XYZ, and you'll need to watch our daughter or hire a sitter. Which do you prefer?" It may help you to realize he probably doesn't realize how his behavior affects you. Even if you describe it to him, it's not something he can relate to, so it doesn't really register that it is "THAT" important. I've found that there are a lot of men who just don't work in words, but who work fine when action takes place. The problem is that women tend to avoid action until they have their partner's buy-in, while the guys often don't bother giving that buy-in. Expect your guy to resist the sudden change at first. That's natural when something happens that we don't expect and is clearly a game changer. But when you want him to do something, try taking the dominant stance and just telling him where to be and when. You won't always get your way, but it'll start him listening, I bet.
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Today, 01:22 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 1,517	Poppy, you have gotten some great advice so far. Just think, not too long ago women had to raise the babies, clean the house, and do everything to keep marriages together. My father has NEVER even changed a diaper. Super duper old school. Look again at your first post. You said you wouldn't leave him because you do not want to raise a child on your own. In reality, you already ARE doing this on your own. You are stronger than you think. You feel betrayed by the ONE person who is never supposed to leave you twisting in the wind. Resentment is like a cancer and the more you don't treat it, the bigger it grows. It sounds like you have been left behind by your husband while he is in the same house. I can't believe how common this is these days, both men and women. These days women do not want to "go it alone" especially if they have a husband. I think that it's better for everyone, especially for the child, if the father plays a very active roll in their upbringing. I'm talking wiping snotty noses, cleaning explosive poop, feeding and rocking the baby at 3 in the morning. Your resentment, disappointment, and anger towards your husband is very real. How can you have loving feelings for someone you feel is letting you down? I personally do not think you have fallen out of love with him . . . . YET. I think you want to rip his lazy arms off and beat him with them. At this point I am thinking your hubby only hears white noise and feels you are nagging him. Sounds like he has shut you out. Perhaps he thinks taking care of the baby, house, him, etc. is your job because you are a woman. Who knows what is going on in his head. And if he won't open up and work with you instead of against you, you are gonna snap. Individual counseling is great, but for some it is hard to find and sometimes too expensive. So you are left to flail all by yourself, drowning in resentment. We gotta fix this. Keep coming here and ranting. Don't worry about people getting sick of you talking about the same subject over and over. You need an outlet, use this forum for that. It does help, I can attest to that. __________________ As I was going up the stair, I saw a man that wasn't there He wasn't there again today, I wish, I wish he'd go away.
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